I’m actually stealing this concept from The Pletteau, since that post brought me so much joy. In essence, if you’ve ever had a blog or any site where you can monitor the metrics of how people reached that site, you will have encountered the endless pit of hilarity that is the search terms list.

In general, it seems like most people have no idea how to find what they’re looking for. Luckily some of them stumble on my blog by accident, but how they got there, or what they were in fact looking for, remains a beautiful, stupid mystery.

You can break down all of the random search terms into a variety of search “types.” I’ve helpfully categorized them for you below.

The People Who Think Google is Some Kind of Robot Butler and That Fictional Characters Are Real

These are the searchers who want to have a conversation with their search engine about made-up people where they believe the search engine go out to seek the answer to questions never addressed in the actual text, like:

why anastasia steele is an idiot

why is christian grey so hot

how tall is katniss everdeen*

how does anastasia steele like her tea

how to meet a christian grey**

whats the tea that anastasia steele likes?

why doesn’t amy pond remember canary warfare

how much longer is moffat going to show run doctor who

what does christian grey mean

christian gray what he wears

is amy or clara a better companion

please moffat i beg you don’t kill her

why are fans upset about reading sherlockfanfiction

*In case you want to know the answer, I’ll save you time: there isn’t one and/or however tall Jennifer Lawrence is.

**Live in Narnia.

The People Who Came for Porn and Settled for Books

This is pretty self-explanatory. I have no idea why they’d click on something called “Tea Leaves and Dog Ears” unless they’re super into Victorian ankle-flashing or something.

99 porn

50 shades of grey porn

stance fuck

you dog porn

greyporn

99 dog porn

porn for the people

play dog porn sexist

sex women nors dog

perfect quick fuck

christian grey pants hanging that way

women fucking dog stories

And Finally, Search Terms so Random They Sound Like Poetry

grief kills

this generation has lost the true meaning of romance

j.k.rowling’s book with panda picture

tom hiddleston how to treat a woman

insane wall writing

steven moffat cant let people just die

don’t criticize what you can’t understand

the riches of christian grey

dog spins its ears like a helicopter

the doctor doesn’t kill because of all the lives he took in the wars

unhappy with capaldi as new doctor, moffat is an idiot!

And that’s it! I hope it’s been as emotionally scarring for you as it was for me.